| Scene 1 The space is made up of half recording suite and half studio. Alison's desk and office swivel chair is situated on the front of the auditorium seats. There is a mic on the desk for her to communicate with the actors' in the studio and above the 'viewing window' are three monitors: one shows a live digital clock (08.55 at start of show) with a background picture, one shows multi track recording software, and the other has a presentation slide welcoming the interns with some general studio etiquette. 'Diablo Rojo' by Rodrigo Y Gabriela plays. Bethan, the Sound Manager, can't help herself dancing by her desk, getting carried away and turning it up. Fabian is in a glass container in the studio. As the audience (interns) are guided into Alison's recording suite, Gwenith, who is in a wheelchair, asks for some assistance to help her get into the studio with her double bass. Her wheelchair does not fit through the studio door, however, so the selected audience members must hold her up while the wheelchair is folded and reassembled inside, then she is assisted carefully back into the chair. She then gets them to help her unpack and place the double bass in a central position. As this is happening Alison enters and closes the adjoining studio entrance door, after telling Gwenith's helpers to find their seats. She positions herself in front of her desk in the suite/auditorium. |
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| Alison |
Turn that off please, Bethan. |
| She has a list of all the delegates on a clipboard. She attempts to go through the list but the suite light goes off. |
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| VO |
"Oh that dreaded black fly. And who knew that aphid midge pupa was good to spread around. And now time for our Christmas evening drama. Once you're on the other side of the looking glass the rule book goes out the window, as Alice is about to find out in Through The Looking Glass". |
| Alison |
(To audience member.) ou. Can you wave your arms please? The light sensor is just above you. Yes wave... Keep waving. |
| The recording suite light comes on. |
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| Alison |
Good. There we are. Thank you. What's your name? |
| The studio light goes off. |
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| Gwenith |
Oh. |
| Alison |
Fucksake. Wave your arms. |
| She gestures waving her arms. |
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| Gwenith |
I can't see. |
| Alison |
Yes we know that. Same as yesterday. Wave. (On mic.) WAVE. |
| Gwenith waves, the light comes on in the studio and goes off in the suite. |
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| Alison |
(Points to the audience member.) Wave. |
| Light comes on in the suite, goes off in the studio. |
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| Alison |
(Into the mic.) Wave |
| Same again. |
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| Alison |
(Points.) Wave. |
| Same again. |
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| Alison |
(Into the mic and staying on mic.) WAIT. (Points to audience member.) WAIT... at the same time. After three... one, two... |
| Gwenith |
On three or after three? |
| Alison |
After three. One, two, three! |
| Light comes on in studio, goes off in the suite. |
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| Alison |
(To audience member.) No, you went on three, not after. Again... One, two, three, NOW! |
| Both lights are on. |
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| Alison |
Don't ask. Millions of license fee payers' money to create a brand new state of the art producing house and they put fucking light sensors in the studios and bloody vinyl on the recording floor. It's a sore point! Sometimes you pay more than peanuts and you still get fucking monkeys. Could be worse though, the news department now has their live broadcast feed overlooking open plan unisex lavatories. Very unfortunate incident recently had Lucy Owen still on mic whilst taking a shit as Babita Sharma read the news. The aftermath of which was seen and heard by the nation as she conspicuously popped to the next cubicle for more toilet paper. There we are, a bit of goss from the gloss for you. Many more where they came from. Anyway, moving on... You can stop now Gwenith. |
| Gwenith stops waving. Alison turns to the interns. |
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| Alison |
So quite simply, I will be running the session as normal and he, she or it that shows the most promise hereof will be offered a position, to start with immediate effect, next month, so you can be set up on the payroll scheme, which will be less than you imagine due to the ever rising license fee dodgers and the nature of the position. I would ask the lucky selectee to run by the canteen before you leave today, though, and get me a cortado from our express service with a pistachio syrup shot please... it's not much to ask considering, and the least you can do. If the others could just leave as quietly as possible and not use the facilities. The head honcho is keen for you not to be seen but please do pop something in the donation box for this experience, that they are keen on. Just so you know, I have fought tooth and nail for this unique interview process, and some doubted, doubted aloud in plain earshot. A doubting Thomas... ess... Thomestress! Yes, one in particular, Jan Boules, but what does she know, she's local, moronic and exceedingly fat! The lardy contents of which I believe is pressing against her tiny clit-sized pea brain and forcing her to squeeze out words that make no sense whatsoever and need discarding, like a crusty shit straight from a cat's anus. The cat analogy is not actually important there but she does resemble one's anus. So let's prove her chunky skull otherwise shall we and find the best man for the job? Oh sorry, PC police, 'or woman'. I know what you're thinking... but she is excessively fatter than that. (Points out one of the interns.) That doesn't even scratch the surface. (To that particular intern.) You are going to have to work harder today, the saying is true... Thank you. Now I say this to everyone working below me, I said it to Fabian , our previous assistant producer, and I'm saying to you, this job will send you mad but the question is, how far are you willing to go? That should become your mantra and I will be looking for those prepared to go the extra mile. You will be tested, and if you can't stand the heat get the fuck out of my kitchen because this is a harsh profession and I cook à la carte. You'll see the menu works a treat and trust me, you'll thank me for it in the long run. Now, I can safely say we didn't find anyone yesterday on our first day, yippee for you, but that does mean the pressure is on you guys today. So, so, so... before we meet the artistes can I just let you know unfortunately we couldn't get who we wanted so just bear that in mind. |
| She looks over her list of interns |
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| Alison |
Now we do have a little time before we begin and I will always suggest arriving a little earlier to make yourself look presentable. I can see some of you made the effort and some of you... Well, let's go through. |
| She goes through her list of delegates. There are photos attached so she can identify them, marking them on how they look and criticising their choice of clothing, hairdo etc. |
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| Alison |
If you haven't made the effort to cover up the truth before the interview, how can we trust you'll be as diligent after? |
| In the meantime Gwenith is trying to get into one of the studio chairs, stealing her thunder. |
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| Alison |
(Into studio mic.) For fuck's sake! Are you alright in there? I don't want you marking those. |
| Gwenith |
Yes fine. Ignore me. Dim ond cael gyfforddus. |
| Alison |
I don't speak Welsh. (To the interns.) And I'm fine with that. |
| Gwenith |
Just getting comfortable. |
| Alison |
Fine. Well, can you just be careful. Those are ergonomic, metal, leather and polished aluminium chairs with a rubberwood base. |
| Gwenith |
Ok, sorry. |
| Alison |
They're from Indonesia. (Pronounced Indownesia.) |
| Gwenith |
Sorry. It's just they're a little fiddly to get into. |
| Alison |
Well they are a small people. And I am sorry but I will need you to take off your shoes again. |
| Gwenith |
Sorry I forgot. |
| Alison |
Is that part of the condition? |
| Gwenith |
Oh god, it could be. |
| Alison |
Shoes. Lovely, thank you. |
| Gwenith |
(To the interns in the studio.) You couldn't just give me a hand? |
| Alison |
Don't help her, they don't like it nowadays. Best thing to do is just watch. We are waiting for someone called Ivor Tittenson anyway so unless you have any questions, no? Good. Let's watch. |
| They watch as Gwenith struggles to take her shoes off. She eventually manages then gets herself settled back in the chair. |
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| Alison |
(Into mic.) And socks today. (To interns.) Honestly they love it. |
| They watch again. Gwenith looks exhausted. |
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| Gwenith |
There we are. |
| Alison |
How are you today Gwenith? |
| Gwenith |
Yes, good, thank you for asking, Alison. That means a lot. It's a good day today. Brynmor drew me a picture this morning of a house and sky with 'Mummy you are the best' on the front. He can't write. |
| Alison |
Oh well that's sweet. I don't get pictures, Gwenith, because I chose a career instead. |
| Gwenith |
Oh I think you can have both. |
| Alison |
I don't think so. |
| Gwenith |
Oh, I think you can. |
| Alison |
Not really. |
| Gwenith |
Lots of people do. |
| Alison |
They're lying. Anyway, it must be terribly difficult in a chair but I guess now you know what it feels like to be in a pram, so you have a lot in common. That's a plus. (To the interns.) Always turn a negative into a positive. (Back to Gwenith.) Now I pushed you quite hard yesterday, Gwenith, so I'll ease off a bit today. Let's give Ivor a run-around today shall we? He needs a push in the right direction and us girls have got to stick together. |
| She winks at Gwenith but her eye stays closed as her newly applied mascara sticks together. |
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| Gwenith |
Are you alright? |
| Alison |
Yes fine. (To the interns.) See, the thing is, she ticked a lot of boxes so it's best to keep her onside. We needed a disabled Welsh-speaking black actor but you tell me where we're supposed to find them? They're all in London. And talking of ticking boxes, don't forget that you are competing with each other. Say hello to the person on your right and left. Do it now. Get to know your competition because they are potentially your worst enemy. They may have done more prep than you. And prep is everything. Ask the gays. You will be the shit on my shoe but they're expensive shoes and one day you could be wearing them. Fuck, I'm inspired! |