SCENE: EIRA's sitting room, daintily furnished─pretty couch, chairs, piano, small tables, mirror on wall opposite stage, flowers, etc. Door R., door L. THEOPHILUS WILLIAMS, a good-looking young fellow, with the face of a student and the physique of an athlete, dressed in a black frock suit of clerical cut, and white tie, is walking restlessly about the room. Takes a flower─puts it in his buttonhole.
Theophilus	(Stands in front of mirror, shakes lis head.) Out of place in a minister's coat. Confound the coat! (Puts the flower back into the vase.) My solemn flock will only follow a black-sheep. I'd give something to preach in flannels, and see their faces lengthening out until they lifted the roof off the Chapel.
	Girl's laughter off R., he listens enviously. Dance music played on the piano comes to him from the room beyond. His feet move to the music, and then he dances round the room─stops suddenly─glances at door L., snatches up a book and drops into a chair.)
Theophilus	(His finger on a page of the open book, reads aloud.) Praise her in the cymbals and dances─ (TITUS HOWELLS peers in door L.) ─the strings, and the pipe.
	TITUS is a prosperous looking man of about forty, with a pleasant face and a jerky manner, who seems to catch himself thinking about forbidden things, and pulls himself up with a jerk and a disarming smile. Wears a well-cut brown lounge suit.
Titus	My goodness! Theophilus, if you want a pipe, come out here. (Coming forward.) But where is Eira? Haven't you seen her yet?
Theophilus	No, Mr. Howells. She seems to be more pleasantly engaged. It is still Greenland's Icy Mountains with her.
Titus	It is the Doctor's doing. "Your niece," he said, "is depressed, and must have cheerful society." (Listening to a burst of laughter.) Dear me! they are very merry in there.
Theophilus	She is moody enough with me.
Titus	You might say "Moody and Sankey"─eh─Theophilus? A double barrel trouble!
Theophilus	Have you found the right sort of companion for her, do you think?
Titus	I had one from a Christian Home in London. I couldn't do more.
Theophilus	I hope Miss Eira will benefit by the companionship. What is the young lady's name?
Titus	"Flossie." It sounds nice and soft, doesn't it? Like drawing your hand over velvet. You ought to make a friend of her, and get her to say nice things about you to Eira. Flossie will divert her, and you will convert her in the end, I'm sure.
Theophilus	(Shakes his head doubtfully.) She is more likely to pervert me. She shivers at the very name of minister.
Titus	Well, you see, her father left it in his will that she must marry a minister, or not have anything after him, and you know what girls are. If you command them to do a thing, they will do something else.
Theophilus	It is a pity there is any compulsion.
Titus	Well, there it is! But I am thinking you are a bit too solemn for her. Not for me, mind you. Oh, no! I uphold solemnity in a minister, especially in a young one. But, you see, it is not me you want to please.
Theophilus	Both of you, Mr. Howells─both of you. You are one of my deacons, and I look up to you as an example for my guidance.
Titus	Ha! You will get on─you will get on! Always study your deacons, Mr. Williams. Have you told her how much money you have got?
Theophilus	Yes. But she answered with a laugh, "The man is of more importance than the money."
Titus	Just like her─very straight, always.
	FLOSSIE peeps in R. She is a pretty, mischievous looking girl, about twenty-two, dressed in a short skirt, dainty shoes, etc. She comes in with a demure expression and a sedate step.
Titus	(To THEOPHILUS, jerking his thumb towards FLOSSIE.) Looks saintly, doesn't she? (Aloud.) This is Miss Flossie, Theophilus; companion to my niece.
	THEOPHILUS and FLOSSIE bow, and exchange glances.
Titus	I will leave you to examine into her principles, and say if she is a proper companion for Eira. (Looks anxiously at FLOSSIE.) Be a good girl, Miss Flossie, and, remember, you are in the company of the minister.
Flossie	(Soberly.) Yes, Mr. Howells; I'll do my best to improve the occasion. (Folds her hands and turns her eyes up.)
Titus	(Aside to THEOPHILUS.) Try to get round her. She will help you with Eira. (Exit L.)
	THEOPHILUS and FLOSSIE look at each other solemnly.
Theophilus	(Twiddling his thumbs.) Well, my girl?
Flossie	(Imitating THEOPHILUS.) Well, my boy?
Theophilus	You musn't call me your boy.
Flossie	You musn't call me your girl.
Theophilus	What are you, then?
Flossie	A specimen in petticoats, about to undergo examination by a specialist in frocks. (Points at his frock coat, and laughs.) Well! Here I am. Begin, please, Mr. Minister.
Theophilus	(Stares at her thoughtfully, and rubs his chin.) You are a bit of a puzzle. I don't know what to think of you. But you are very pretty.
Flossie	Touch the right button, and you'll drag all my secrets from me. (Approaches THEOPHILUS.) Do you know where the soul is, when it's at home?
Theophilus	No! do you?
Flossie	Oh, yes. Let me look into your eyes, and I'll tell you.
Theophilus	Shall it be a mutual study?
Flossie	(Laughing.) Kill two hearts with one glance!
Theophilus	Two birds with one stone, I think you mean.
Flossie	Take your last look, and die! (They look steadily into each other's eyes.) What do you see?
Theophilus	A thousand pretty imps flashing signals to a dull dog who doesn't understand them. May I ask what you see?
Flossie	A dull dog, with a dangerous glint in his eyes. I only just got one peep, but it was enough.
Theophilus	(With a sigh.) Man is very imperfect.
Flossie	Especially young ministers fresh from college. I lived near a college once, and my recollections are rather spotty.
Theophilus	(Hastily.) My dear Miss Flossie, do not open the floodgates of memory. Always avoid the danger zone of youth and learning. 1 speak from experience.
Flossie	Ah! do you? I should love to wander over the zone of youth with you, and see what tracks you'd left.
Theophilus	They were all right.
Flossie	Then there were none left! (Laughs.) I should love to know the truth, though.
Theophilus	(Abstractedly, contemplating the ceiling.) Love─ah─yes─love─it is divine!
Flossie	Tommy rot! It's human; and the sooner you put it on that level the better for your chances with Eira. She doesn't want a saint hanging about her all day long. I'm going. (Moves towards door R.)
Theophilus	Please stay. I have got such a lot to say to you.
Flossie	(Strikes an attitude, sings.) Oh, stay with me, my darling, stay. (Turns back.)
Theophilus	(In assumed husky voice.) And like a dream life shall pa-a-ass away. Ha! hum! Just so. It's a lovely song!
Flossie	It's divinely crow-like─as you sing it. I really think I'm going to like you.
Theophilus	I am glad we are to be friends. I have much need of an advocate with Eira.
	EIRA, a pale, beautiful girl, with blue eyes and golden hair, in soft clinging, graceful frock, enters R.
Eira	(With assumed gravity.) Flossie, dear, you are making a great noise. You seem to forget that the ministerial atmosphere should be tomb-like (shudders delicately) and repressive.
Flossie	I was only trying to instruct the Reverend Theophilus in his duties to women.
Eira	At his time of life, he ought not to need instruction. What have you to say for yourself, Mr. Williams?
Theophilus	(Nervously.) Oh─er─yes; your uncle wished me to ascertain this young─
Flossie	(Interjects muischievously.) Young specimen's─
Theophilus	Young woman's principles, and I have done so─partially.
Eira	(Her lips quiver with suppressed amusement.) And as far as you have gone, how do you like them?
Theophilus	I fear I must reserve my opinion until I have gone a little further. The study of─of─
Flossie	Of man is girl.
Theophilus	The study of metaphysics is simpler to a man than the study of girls.
Eira	(Impatiently.) I hate metaphysics!
Flossie	I hate physic of all sorts.
Theophilus	I am afraid I am unfortunate in the way I express myself. You turn everything I say into ridicule.
Eira	The stipulation in my father's will has prejudiced me against the white tie and the black coat. I am desperate, Mr. Williams.
Theophilus	I don't understand.
Eira	(Turns away.) Tell him, Flossie. I feel too weak to wrestle with the spectre that haunts me. (Sinks into a chair.)
Flossie	She is hunger-striking, poor dear─starving herself because of her misery. I can't bear to think of it!
	Dabs her eyes with her handkerchief. Pretends to sob. Enter TITUS, with an anxious enquiring glance.
Titus	(Frowning.) Well, indeed! I hope Eira is coming to her senses. You are very patient with her, I must say, Theophilus.
Theophilus	I am drawing largely upon Job, Mr. Howells.
Flossie	(Aside, titters.) Oh, dammit! (She is overheard.)
Theophilus	(Turns swiftly to FLOSSIE.) Eh, what?
	FLOSSIE explodes with laughter, and EIRA quivers with suppressed amusement.
Titus	No explosives, if you please, Miss Flossie.
Flossie	Oh, Joshua! I wish I had a bomb, or something to wake you up.
Eira	(Gets up languidly.) A bomb is the only cure for (glances at THEOPHILUS, sighs) some evils.
Flossie	Yes, it would make them smaller.
Titus	My dear Eira, I am doing my best for you. What else can I do?
Eira	Go to the Church Yard and pick a pretty spot under the trees to bury me in. I have done with the world.
Titus	Do be reasonable, Eira. I offer you Theophilus, with his £500 a year, and you ask for the Church Yard!
Eira	Only the little bit that the parish provides for us all. I would rather lie with the dead than live with the saints.
Titus	(Perplexed.) What in the world are you talking about?

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